force of nature

for the past ten days, the weather has been wild and changeable. one minute the sun is shining, brightly illuminating the red autumn leaves, the next the wind is whipping stinging lashes of rain that are falling from a dark, black cloud that appeared swiftly out of nowhere. they say it's what's left of hurricaine francis when she reached this side of the atlantic, but i think it's me. the weather has completely accurately reflected my own feelings and moods over the past ten days. i am sunny and optimistic one moment, the next spiraling down into the depths of black despair. someone even asked me one day last week, "what is this weather you've brought?" so i'm not alone in thinking that i'm the one causing it.

who is to say that it isn't true? haven't we all felt human emotions powerful enough to cause atmospheric rifts?

this morning, it is calm and clear--no wind as of yet. there are a few clouds around the fringes of the sky. and that's exactly how i feel...

to rat or not to rat

i'm pondering setting up another blog to devote to my exposé of the middle layer of fat that is strangling microsoft. everything i have to say about it is true, as i myself have been the victim of some particularly nasty bits of that fat. however, would it really do me any good to dredge it all up again. if the guilty were exposed for the rats that they are (and curiously, the name of the biggest fat rat in my case rhymes with fat and rat...). yes. it might be rather cathartic to let the world know what happened. in hopes of keeping it from happening again to someone less strong than i.

i heard today that the rats who were complicit in the whole sordid affair are rather afraid that i will go to the press. i have thought of that, but haven't done so. yet. knowing that they fear it just might make me do it. oh, to rat or not to rat...that is the question....

a minor yoga addiction

i've been doing yoga videos to try to calm my nerves for about a week now. i'm utterly uncertain that it's calming my nerves, but i am getting a good workout, so it can't be all bad. the other method i've tried--to calm my nerves, not get in shape--is drinking copious amounts of red wine and the occasional martini. that's rather effective at the time, but rather not so much afterwards when my head is aching and clouded over worse than ever. this waiting to hear whether a potential employer wants me, well..sucks. it would be ok if my time weren't, so to speak, running out. i will be paid one more time at the end of this month by my former employer. so, it would be IDEAL if i were starting something new Oct. 1, so that there aren't any missed paychecks, so to speak. why can't they answer, already? i nailed the interviews--all of them--i shined, i was dazzling. they must want me, so why is taking so long? guess i'd better go do that yoga video again....

me & my daughter Sabin in Istanbul 

what makes me nervous

i was asked twice in the interview process "what makes you nervous." it was a question that stumped me. i can't think of many things that make me nervous. i should have said, "waiting." waiting to hear whether i got the job or not. waiting to hear if there's an offer. waiting. it's interminable and making me damn nervous. not even yoga helped. the only thing that will help is a contract in hand or an email offering one or a phone call. arrgh! don't these people know what it's like out here, waiting? not even a trip through the garden, gathering flowers helped me. i'll have to resign myself to being a basket case until i hear...

of omens & destiny

Just read Paulo Coehlo's The Alchemist and so the notions of following one's destiny, listening to one's heart and reading the omens are weighing heavily on me. Especially as I am potentially about to have to make a decision about a job offer. A job which will potentially change our lifestyle significantly--longer hours, less time with Sabin, leaving early every morning and coming home late every evening. I'll be one of those people whose weekends mean the world to them. However, it's potentially worth it--an awesome company and unlimited potential for the future.

I'll admit that I'm having trouble hearing what my heart says about it. My mind tumbles with thoughts...was I fired so that I would be open to this particular opportunity? Is this the path I'm being guided to? What is the right thing to do for me and for my family? Is this the right job for me or do I think it is because I need a job? Am I too dazzled by the prestige of the company itself? Will life still be enjoyable? What should I do? The noise of all those questions in my head is so loud that right now, I can't read the omens or hear what my heart might be saying to me.

Part of that is to do with the interview process itself. Three grueling interviews over several weeks with a total of ten different people involved. I am wiped out by that process and so I don't feel that I can adequately think about it and sort it all out yet.

I'm going to go do yoga, clear my head and be alert to omens for the rest of the day. And hope for an offer. Knowing exactly what they're offering might help clear away some of the confusion.