a matter of focus

in the light of day, things look different. i'm feeling less indignant about our freeloading couchsurfer than i was last evening, tho' writing that awfully negative list did seem to help clear it out of my system, so that's undoubtedly a big part of what makes me feel better. but how you see people is also a matter of perspective, isn't it?

sometimes, one thing is in focus and sometimes, it's another. focusing on one aspect can blur the others and change how you view an experience.  i've been pondering the cultural lens with which we inevitably view things. and how that makes things appear to be wrong or right.

what was especially bewildering and disappointing in this instance is that the person didn't at all fit the cultural lens which i expected since this person was from the culture of my birth.  so i had expectations of a certain kind of person - open, funny, forthcoming. already when he approached my car at the train station, he didn't look at all as i had expected. he didn't actually greet me, just kind of slouched his way to the car, looking rather unhealthy and drawn (which is fair enough after a long-haul flight). perhaps because he didn't meet my expectations, he never had a chance. i'm willing to admit that.

but in his behavior, he did himself no favors. it just reinforced the strangeness of the initial encounter and made it seem worse and worse. perhaps what i was actually disappointed in was how well he conformed to an american stereotype - that of the ugly american - with strange stories of living a sort of unabomber, hermetic-life, hidden away from civilization, rejecting the trappings of said civilization (medical care, for one, tho' not credit cards, apparently), working odd jobs, going for weeks without speaking to anyone. but at the same time, an odd sense of entitlement (that dinner would be served to him, his laundry done and folded) and that air of superiority that he'd seen and done all and seen and done it better.

of course, it is a matter of what one chooses to focus on. and tho' it was an odd experience for sure, it was, in the end harmless. i'm still pretty uncomfortable with the weird recordings, for which he never asked permission, but in all, it's certainly given me something to write about, hasn't it?

what i'm torn about now is how to approach writing feedback on the couchsurfing site. with all of my other experiences, i've not at all hesitated to write something really positive, because they have all been great. i'm not sure, in this instance, that it's worth writing something negative. tho' perhaps i have a duty to give other potential hosts a heads' up about this guy. but all of my complaints are admittedly a matter of taste - he didn't steal anything, he didn't harm us or threaten us, so maybe it's not fair to write negative feedback. and if i do, of course, i risk getting negative feedback myself, which i don't want (tho' after cooking and doing laundry for this guy, he would have to have a lot of nerve to give me negative feedback).

so i'm leaning towards writing nothing at all - on the premise that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything. but that makes me feel a little bit disappointed in myself. again, it's all a matter of focus, isn't it?

and i have to stress, this doesn't put me off couchsurfing, it just makes me resolved only to host members where it's verified that they are who they say are (couchsurfing has a mechanism for this) and who have good references.  i still think it's an awesome concept. and after nearly two years of participating in it, this is the first experience that's left a bad taste in my mouth.