definitely not proud to be an american

what a week! i'm feeling the same way i did when my dad died. i felt so angry when people tried to offer their condolences. i hated all the shallow explanations and justifications and reassurances that it was for the best. it was a dismissal of the significance of the event. explaining it away is a way of minimizing and negating the grief and the loss and the gravity of the situation. i remember feeling so angry that my fists balled up and i was shaking and it was all i could do not to punch people. i just wanted to scream that everyone needed to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. it is my grief and i don't want to share it. 

this grief started 8 years ago when the first intelligent, qualified woman didn't become president and now it's happened again. and this time, i have to face that a majority of my fellow countrymen really would rather have a spray-tanned, 80-year-old, lying convicted felon than an intelligent, funny, joyful woman who has prepared her whole life for the role. that's a sobering fucking realization. it's like someone who goes back to their abusive ex and thinks it will turn out differently. 

i'm more fortunate than most. i used the feelings i was feeling on wednesday to finally file my application for danish citizenship, 4000kr. and all. i have options. it will likely take a couple of years, but i will gladly go through it. and in the meantime, the country of my birth will further divide and become a shell of itself, as that craven, orange, diaper-clad man hands the treasury to his little cadre of billionaires. you all fucked around and soon you will find out. he wasn't on your side. he was on his own side all along. and then i hope someone comes along and pats you on the shoulder and tells you it was for the best. 

serenity now

i've made it as hyggeligt as possible. i'm listening to a cozy mystery set in the 1920s, drinking a glass of wine and trying not to think about the election. maybe i should be weaving, but i wanted to sit here in this peaceful space i've created. keeping the chaos at bay as long as i can. just trying to keep kamala and carry onala. 

one day more

tomorrow is the election. i don't imagine that i will sleep so well the rest of this week. my nerves are frayed and i don't know what to think. i decided to open this space and at least try to figure that out, like the good old days, where i came to write and figure out what i thought about things. it's surreal that the spray-tanned convicted felon even has a chance. i personally think he has a less of a chance that the polls make it appear. it's in the media's interest to make it seem close to keep people interested and glued to their screens. i don't think it's as close as all that. because record numbers of young people seem to have decided to vote early. and because women aren't going to surrender control of what happens to their bodies. so i think that harris will win and win decisively. but it's probably still going to be ugly - remember what we saw on that fateful january 6? that was no doubt just a warm-up. and that has my stomach in knots. i want my child in arizona to be safe. i want her to be able to make her own reproductive decisions. and i sincerely hope that my closest family members will not vote against her ability to do that.